I am thinking

Throw yourself into the sea.

I cant think straight when I'm listening to music but I don't want to stop. My life is like that of baby. Everything seems so new. Its like I'm seeing everything for the first time and I don't know how to treat this new situation. So what do babies do? They cry. I'm not crying. I'm just going through points of periodic depression. I'm trying to keep hooking up with this girl from work. She really is awesome, and shes pretty sexy too. I am just obviously having trouble because I'm still working on getting over the other girl. She screwed me up ha, I've never been like this. That's probably why I feel like a baby. Because my eyes are new. Or the brain which I have attached to my eyes is new. Its brand new, its something that hasn't been used in this way before.

I'm searching for my soul. I'm searching for what is real in life, and I'm searching for what is real in me. There is never enough real to go around. There's more then enough fake, there's more then enough drama, there's more then enough bickering, uneasy dispositions, perpetuation's of the negative and I feed into it all. I feed into it all. I live a life of plastic, a life that I cannot describe easily with words.

Tonight I wanted to be by myself. I recieved a few text messages while I was at work, I responded. I responded of course first to the girl, who will from here on out be referred to as my ex. I responded to her, had a small conversation which I ended even worse then it began. I just give my heart up, I give it up and I let her see it. Why do I let her see it? I want something back from her thats why. And she gives it back, and its satisfying and then I need more. I have to stop doing that.

Last night she texted me and in a way I ignored her, maybe because I was with another girl? But I didnt ignore her and think, hey I'm getting over it and your not shut up. I'm still way not over it, but shes everything I dont need in my life. I don't need it in my life.

There are things in this world that make life SO worth experiencing, and I need that, I need that more then I even know. I need life to be fulfilling and perfect, something I cherish and love. If you never feel low, you can never feel high. Right? I would like to smoke some weed right now. I have more recently been enjoying the experience of being high. but I really enjoy it on my own more then anything else. I need to continue allowing myself to enjoy it because its something different for me, and its something that will allow me to grow I think.

It weird the way I view growth. Its weird the way I view life. Its weird the way I view. I am an interesting person, with an interesting train of thought, and a very interesting life story. Oh don't I just think I'm so special? I am nothing special. I know that. Unfortunately I'm less then even regular. I'm not a desired personality. I'm way too confusing, I'm way too confused. I am confused. In life. In it all. I really am. I am a confused. What is a confused? It is a me.

"What is a confused? It is a me." That's why I'm less then what should be desired. I feel like crying right now. I feel like dying right now. I'm gonna have to work tomorrow, I'm going to want to die when I wake up. I need to EMPOWER myself. I need to EMPOWER MYSELF. I NEED TO EMPOWER MYSELF. EMPOWERMENT IS THE WAY TO SUCCESS?

I feel like I'm going crazy right now. I would like to relax. Relaxing is a dream. I'm going to dream tonight I hope and sleep well. I am an enjoying of sleep.