Its another night.

{I'm uneasy.}

I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now.

I'm depressed. Confused.

Past couple of weeks have been really weird. I've never been at the point that I'm at. I always say that because I've never been at any of the points that I've had to be at in the past year and 1/2.

1/2.

I just got finished hanging out with troy. He brought up Anthony a few times. I really hate Anthony. Theres no one else that I have ever hated this way. No one else that makes me feel this way. I hate it.

People don't know me. Everyone seems to know everyone else though.

All of my friends have at least a few other best friends. I have none.

0.

When I joke that I have no friends, I'm serious. But people don't take me seriously. They know that I have tons of friends. But none of them actually care. No one actually cares.

I'm never the one invited on the road trip.

I don't have anyone to go out of my way to visit, and I don't have anyone that's going to go out of their way to visit me.

I don't have that.

My best friend is my girlfriend. But, we've been having a lot of issues. I wish that we could make it last.

If we have to break up, I'll be where I was a few months ago. Definitely very depressed again, all the time.

Its hard. I compare my self to Anthony. He has like 100 friends. He has what I want. People care about him. Its not just that they care about him, but its that since I fucked him over, it feels as if I fucked everyone over.

I can't even try to be better friends with the people that I want to, because I dont feel like I can. Because he's better friends with them. Thats the worst part. He's better friends with everyone.

Fuck.

I've accepted that I have trouble being BFFLs with people. But I guess sometimes it gets me down. And its definitely worse when the person that makes me feel like total shit is just better with that. And also helps to make me worse.

I'm watching 28 days later.

Feeling how i feel

Feeling shitty. Thats about that, feeling shitty. It sucks realizing that someone didn't care. It's a hard feeling to understand. Its actually really impossible to understand. Its pretty crazy.

I'm having a hard time with it. Comprehending it. Soaking it in. Rejecting it. Accepting it. Everything. I love my friends. I really do. I need help though. Its just like heart break is hard I guess. I hope I didn't make anyone feel this way. Like I never cared. Because I did. Or atleast I think I cared. I never did anything malicious, dirty, or intentional.

I want to be free of this. What can I do to be free of it?! Its so so hard. Its like whats the best route to take. My anger will never cease. But is true forgiveness possible. God I tried. Holy fuck I wanted to forgive and make that be that.

Forgiveness

I'm working on it all. I'm working on forgiving. I think I have the most and deepest forgiveness. I am an endless well of forgiveness. I may also be dumb however. I believe I am duped yet again for forgiving. But in the end it is like the quote I posted last time. The victimizer is the one to feel sad for. I must feel sadness for everyone who has hurt me and I must move past it. Way past it.

I must not dwell.

I must not judge, and I must act according to my own positive thinking. I have to satisfy myself. I have to satisfy those who are my real friends, and I also must not be concerned with the negative. Keeping my head up at all times is what I must do. Keeping my head up. I have to do those things that keep me happy.

I hope I'm not being dumb by forgiving. Is forgiving someone a set up for being hurt again? I can only pray it isn't. I think I have to stick with how I feel. I feel that forgiveness will allow me to move on, and also give peace to the situation.

So I'm Learning

Every day is a new day.

Thats actually the truth. Every day IS a new day. Pretty interesting. I'm living a new day right now, I'm actually at the beginning of a new day as I type this. Two hours fresh into it.

I'm living. I'm eating, breathing, and thinking. Most of all, right now I'm forgiving. I feel as though I have more forgiveness than god. For me, and for you I must define forgiveness. Let me browse the internet.

In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being.

I have chosen to love instead of hate. This sentence from the wiki article is perfect. I picked Buddhism and this described how I feel perfectly. I forgive for myself, as well as others, but to make others happy so that I can also be happy. Hating will help no one, dislike will help no one, animosity, revenge, and disgruntled feelings will be me no where. Its time to go somewhere, and thats moving on.

I am Unknowing

I am Unknowing.

I am so unknowing. I have very little knowledge in the grand scheme of things. Do I have knowledge compared to my peers? I don't think so. I'm smart. But my knowledge is limited. What maters more? Do I have more philosophical knowledge? Maybe I have the knowledge of maturity? Do I need that?

I'm not so sure what I need.

I need to learn. I need to be liked. I need to have my friends back. I need to find a girl who I desire. Who I desire, and who desires me. I need to be unbroken. Fixed? I need to be fixed. Less tattered and torn. I would like that. Is being tattered and torn a blessing? Is tattered and torn another word for maturity? Is tattered and torn another word for being educated? For not being naive? What is the opposite of naive? Am i more learned, and experienced because I have been broken, built up again, and then torn, tattered? Does hurt teach you what it is to live?

Does being hurt teach you what it is to live?

Does being hurt teach you what you need to survive? Is survival the goal?

Sometimes when I write I go purely off of instinct, purely off of association writing. I just write.

I go. I space when I choose, and I skip lines as I please, I ask questions. I have always asked questions of myself, and of you. You are no one. You are no one because no one reads this. I could allow others to read this but I would be viewed differently.

I would be seen as someone else. I may be viewed as crazy because in these blogs I say everything in my life, everything on my mind. With other people, I act. I am an actor.

I am an actor. I am who people want me to be. That's my nature. That's my insecurity.

I am a Pisces. Pisces are adaptive by nature. I adapt. Not well, but I do it. I spend hours of my day on facebook. I should get rid of it. But it is my only way that I keep in touch with friends.

It is my only validation. It is my eros. My eroticism. I need to feel like I have friends. I know that facebook does not mimick reality. or does it? Maybe it does. The friends who respond to my comments, my statusi, they care. Do they? They consider caring about me. They think about me. They see what I say and care enough to make a comment back. Do I need facebook? No.

I want it.

I am thinking

Throw yourself into the sea.

I cant think straight when I'm listening to music but I don't want to stop. My life is like that of baby. Everything seems so new. Its like I'm seeing everything for the first time and I don't know how to treat this new situation. So what do babies do? They cry. I'm not crying. I'm just going through points of periodic depression. I'm trying to keep hooking up with this girl from work. She really is awesome, and shes pretty sexy too. I am just obviously having trouble because I'm still working on getting over the other girl. She screwed me up ha, I've never been like this. That's probably why I feel like a baby. Because my eyes are new. Or the brain which I have attached to my eyes is new. Its brand new, its something that hasn't been used in this way before.

I'm searching for my soul. I'm searching for what is real in life, and I'm searching for what is real in me. There is never enough real to go around. There's more then enough fake, there's more then enough drama, there's more then enough bickering, uneasy dispositions, perpetuation's of the negative and I feed into it all. I feed into it all. I live a life of plastic, a life that I cannot describe easily with words.

Tonight I wanted to be by myself. I recieved a few text messages while I was at work, I responded. I responded of course first to the girl, who will from here on out be referred to as my ex. I responded to her, had a small conversation which I ended even worse then it began. I just give my heart up, I give it up and I let her see it. Why do I let her see it? I want something back from her thats why. And she gives it back, and its satisfying and then I need more. I have to stop doing that.

Last night she texted me and in a way I ignored her, maybe because I was with another girl? But I didnt ignore her and think, hey I'm getting over it and your not shut up. I'm still way not over it, but shes everything I dont need in my life. I don't need it in my life.

There are things in this world that make life SO worth experiencing, and I need that, I need that more then I even know. I need life to be fulfilling and perfect, something I cherish and love. If you never feel low, you can never feel high. Right? I would like to smoke some weed right now. I have more recently been enjoying the experience of being high. but I really enjoy it on my own more then anything else. I need to continue allowing myself to enjoy it because its something different for me, and its something that will allow me to grow I think.

It weird the way I view growth. Its weird the way I view life. Its weird the way I view. I am an interesting person, with an interesting train of thought, and a very interesting life story. Oh don't I just think I'm so special? I am nothing special. I know that. Unfortunately I'm less then even regular. I'm not a desired personality. I'm way too confusing, I'm way too confused. I am confused. In life. In it all. I really am. I am a confused. What is a confused? It is a me.

"What is a confused? It is a me." That's why I'm less then what should be desired. I feel like crying right now. I feel like dying right now. I'm gonna have to work tomorrow, I'm going to want to die when I wake up. I need to EMPOWER myself. I need to EMPOWER MYSELF. I NEED TO EMPOWER MYSELF. EMPOWERMENT IS THE WAY TO SUCCESS?

I feel like I'm going crazy right now. I would like to relax. Relaxing is a dream. I'm going to dream tonight I hope and sleep well. I am an enjoying of sleep.

Bloggin Bloggin Bloggin

So, this is actually my third blog. I have foresaken the other two blogs for this one.

My first blog was very private, no one has ever read that blog besides me to my knowledge, and no one really knew that it exisisted. It was really for me to get a lot of my thoughts out, sometimes a lot of my immature or simply private thoughts that I needed to think over. Thats what I love about writing. When I write I always get further and deeper into my thoughts then I can in any other way. The answer seems clearer, or the situation seems easier to handle. Its not just writing down words, it can also be writing music(which I have done way too little of lately).

I am considering allowing people to read this blog. But I'm not sure yet.

This year has been a very interesting year for me. Its been almost a full year since things began to really change. September began a new semester, and in that new semester I lost a lot and gained a lot as well. I'm trying not to be too specific haha. January 09 rolled around and I delved deeper into my band Lux Astra, started new classes, and by February I fell into the most complicated situation I have ever been in. In a way, it should never have been so complicated, and in a way it may not be so complicated at all. It certainly felt that way. I'm probably lucky that this is the way I find myself so confused, its easy to be confused over girl(which what this situation was over). I had never seen myself so vulnerable, and I'm not sure I ever will be again. Although, I can see myself there again.

Being vulnerable is something I hate. I love being in control, or atleast feeling in control. I'm sure we probably all hate being vulnerable, however, we are all there at some point. Its lame. I know that I never keep on one thought for too long so forgive me. But yeah, I have spent semesters working anywhere from 40-60 hours a week while staying on the deans list, and that was easier then this past semester where all I did was work about 12 hours a week with 4.5 classes and worry about 22 of 24 hours in the day. Over thinking things this past semester is what ruined me. Taking notes, not possible, tests, nah, nothing but thinking about this girl and where everything was going. Oddly enough, I'm still confused. Not like then however. Luckily. Long story short, shes cool, things are good and my life is good so I'm complaining anymore.

I started a new job which I like a lot, been chinchillin, sometimes I drink what I like to call Alcoholic Drinks, sometimes I play music, sometimes I drive around and think about how I need more CD's to drive around and listen to. I probably won't blog all that often, I blog when I need to think things over, or when I have something on my mind that I feel is worth writing down.

Ok bored of writing, later.